If I could just go back….
not back in the sense of doing a complete life’s do-over
but just back for a 24-hour period
a kid again
for even the smallest period of time
being emerged in complete naiveté
dipped and bathe in uncorrupted sweetness
and actual innocence
To be a kid again
if only for a single day
I’d bask in
using the car
not having to refill the tank
without replenishing the groceries
not having a care in the world
putting me first
Before the expiration
of time swept me
back to my current reality
I’d tell the girl version of me
embrace and appreciate
as many individual moments
trust your gut
listen to your instinct
think every single instance through
and live your life to the absolute fullest
don’t let it live you!
Yesterday evening I discovered my second strand of white hair. I was so shocked to see it, that I accidentally dislodged it from my head. After looking at it for a few seconds I chucked it away. Long after analyzing the single strand of white hair I found myself feeling some kind of way. That single strand of short white hair forced me to realize that I’m changing. Each and every day, I’m changing. With every passing moment and second, I am changing. Not just aging, but I’m changing. I’m changing from this person that I’ve known for so long to someone brand new. What I’m wondering is, do I have the right? Do I have the right to change and evolve into someone new, someone with different expectations, perspectives and perceptions? Is it fair to undergo this extreme metamorphosis, then expect those who’ve been a long-term part of my life, to get in line with the new me?
As I’m getting older, I’m starting to change into this woman, whom I’ve never wanted any part of before. I’m starting to be less hard and rough around the edges, and more soft, sweet and motherly. I’m less impatient and temperamental. I’m beginning to desire affection and love, when before I would push that form of closeness away. Having a relationship with my soul mate, and having him here with me at the end of the day seems to have become one of my top priorities. The question that I keep coming back to is, do I have the right to ask and/or require something different from him, after having our relationship work so well after all of these years? Is it selfish of me to change things up right smack dab in the middle of our adventure together, especially when this is and has been working so well for us? Well, just as I keep being bombarded by the same questions I also keep arriving at the same conclusion, change is inevitable. In lots of cases, there’s no control over change, for instance my white strands of hair, or my children growing into their own independence. We don’t get a whole lot of say-so when it comes to change, yet it’s bound to happen, and we have no choice other than to accept it.
Though it’s different from my usual norm, I’m starting to embrace the changes that are going on with my body, in my mind, and with my heart…..I might as well, seeing that they’re going to happen with or without my blessing. I’m learning to savour the taste of unforeseen circumstances, in fact I’m developing an acquired palette for them.
I want what I want, and I still am who I am…while constantly evolving!
…..and YES! I have every right!