Too Late Now

No kidding. When I first saw him I knew that he was going to change my life. I had no idea how, but I knew he would, that was February 2001.
December 2003 I gave birth to our son.
That was the day that he officially fell in love with me, and for the first time in thirty years, he was happy. Can you believe that? He’d never known happiness in three decades of “living”.
Witnessing the intensity of labor,
nearly losing consciousness as the epidural was being given,
watching the debut of our son,
cutting the umbilical cord and learning that our baby will indeed be his namesake,
collectively, that allowed him to finally know what it felt like to be happy. If only momentarily and in spurts over the next eight years, he’d finally have his own personal stories of happiness to reflect upon.

Our son would be his first and only (biological) child.
He and I would be the reasons why love and happiness were able to exist in such a damage, hurt and overly guarded space.
For that, we’re eternally grateful.

Many conversations were exchanged between he and I about love and happiness, from the time our son was born up until four days before he perished.
It’s obvious to everyone who knows us, that I loved him from early on and he loved me and our child up until the very end.
A rather unique situation for me. One that I’m sure I’ll never have again.

Last words to me: I’ll always love you for what you’ve given me…
Last words to our son: Always remember your daddy loves you. Alright? Love ya’ boy!

I’ve had  six months to assess, reassess and asses all over again, the relationship that he and I had. It’s completely clear how he changed my life.
I’m able to confirm that I’ve never had any love for anyone (outside of my children, of course!) other than him.
That was the first and only time that I’ve loved someone.

But what good are my words and acknowledging these truths, when he’s not here to hear them?
It’s too late now.

 

5 Comments

Filed under Life, Motherhood, Mothering, Parenting, Uncategorized

5 responses to “Too Late Now

  1. serenityluv1

    Very sad….

  2. Noelle Lewis

    He knows exactly how you fell. Even in his passing he’s still there watching over you and your family. What a truly incredible lovely person. What a pleasure to know someone like Patrick. May his memory live on through his little clone. Patty cakes, (he might be getting a Lil bit too old to be called that). Love you!

    • Thanks Cousin! That makes me feel better. I’m determined to keep him living on…..Patty’s living the life that Big Pat wasn’t blessed with. And I was thinking about that…..are we gonna have to stop calling him, Patty Cakes? LOL! Love you Cuz!

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