Too Late Now

No kidding. When I first saw him I knew that he was going to change my life. I had no idea how, but I knew he would, that was February 2001.
December 2003 I gave birth to our son.
That was the day that he officially fell in love with me, and for the first time in thirty years, he was happy. Can you believe that? He’d never known happiness in three decades of “living”.
Witnessing the intensity of labor,
nearly losing consciousness as the epidural was being given,
watching the debut of our son,
cutting the umbilical cord and learning that our baby will indeed be his namesake,
collectively, that allowed him to finally know what it felt like to be happy. If only momentarily and in spurts over the next eight years, he’d finally have his own personal stories of happiness to reflect upon.

Our son would be his first and only (biological) child.
He and I would be the reasons why love and happiness were able to exist in such a damage, hurt and overly guarded space.
For that, we’re eternally grateful.

Many conversations were exchanged between he and I about love and happiness, from the time our son was born up until four days before he perished.
It’s obvious to everyone who knows us, that I loved him from early on and he loved me and our child up until the very end.
A rather unique situation for me. One that I’m sure I’ll never have again.

Last words to me: I’ll always love you for what you’ve given me…
Last words to our son: Always remember your daddy loves you. Alright? Love ya’ boy!

I’ve had  six months to assess, reassess and asses all over again, the relationship that he and I had. It’s completely clear how he changed my life.
I’m able to confirm that I’ve never had any love for anyone (outside of my children, of course!) other than him.
That was the first and only time that I’ve loved someone.

But what good are my words and acknowledging these truths, when he’s not here to hear them?
It’s too late now.

 

Grieving Anew….

I’m not big on death. Who is, huh?

I don’t deal with death at all. I ignore it and keep on. I refuse to give much energy to it. I don’t go view bodies. I don’t go to funerals. I don’t sit around mourning (at least not for very long). Usually I direct all of my energy towards the happy times, and I remember the individual how I last seen them. That’s my approach when it comes to dealing with the crushing blow that death always deals.

But, this time was different. Very different.

It wasn’t only me who was forced to deal with this completely unexpected and devastating lost of life.  My youngest son was also pulled into the madness. In all actuality he was much more affected than even I — because he lost his father. Thus, I didn’t have the option of ignoring or shutting the matter of death out. I was forced out of my usual routine and into a very inconvenient position of having to deal with death.

Long story short,

My son turns out to be a lot like me. He doesn’t want to be sad and he doesn’t want to sit around crying however, he does want to talk about it in snippets.

So whenever the urge hits him, he’ll ask a question, make a statement or just come lay his head on my lap. And me?  I fully engage with him. I follow his lead. Whatever and wherever that may be.

His way of dealing with this, it’s not all that bad. It has actually helped me to deal with yet another unexpected death (YES! Barely a week later, death reared its ugly head in my space again!).

Thanks for each and every comment, thought, suggestion and prayer. All has been truly appreciated!

 

Be sure to tune in for a guest blog entitled “A Day at the Houston Zoo” constructed by my eight year old son, Patrick!

 

 

Your Dad is Dying

I share an 8-year-old boy with an awesome dad. Biologically, our son is his only child. Words can not and will never be able to describe how much my son’s dad loves him, and how much my son loves his dad in return.

Every single morning, his dad calls to tell him good morning, have a great day and how much his “daddy loves him”. Every afternoon, his dad calls him after school to see what he learned, how his day went and to tell him how much his “daddy loves him”. Every evening, shortly after the sunsets,  the phone is ringing. Everyone already knows who it is, so no need to check the caller ID. We  just hand the telephone over to the littlest boy because we all know that it’s his dad.  No if’s, no and’s, no but’s about it. His dad MUST tell him goodnight, that he’ll call him in the morning and he most definitely has to always end the call with “daddy loves you”.

Those were the last words that we heard from him, this past Sunday evening, as the littlest boy had turned on the speakerphone, in order to talk on the telephone and play the video game simultaneously.

“Daddy loves you!”

When I heard him say that, my thoughts were, “He ain’t lying! He really does love him…..always has!”

How do you tell an 8-year-old boy that he won’t have that anymore? How do explain that, that has now been taken away? No more phone calls! No more pictures! No more spending time together! None of that! No more!

How can I ask my innocent little boy to get out of the routine of having his daddy call him EVERY SINGLE DAY (without EVER missing a beat) if only to utter the words, “daddy loves you”?

We’ve never known the whole “clinging to life” situation. Nor has death been this close to us before. I’m being forced to explain, “You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s not your fault. That how’s life/death is. You’ll get to see him again, one day.”

If that’s not unfair, I don’t know what is!

Thank you for all of you who have prayed for different results and/or our comfort during this time. We are truly grateful.

A Nice Big Piece of Home

My mom flew down to visit the kiddos and I, early last week and it was just what the doctor ordered!  We all needed to be recharged with a remarkable big slice of home, and nothing better to fill that order than having my mom come for a visit.

With the exception of Skype, none of us have seen my mom since we left Detroit more than seven months ago. I haven’t been separated from my mother for any extended amount of time in all of my thirty-five years. The same applies for my children– she’s been with each of us since day one and nothing sucks more than being apart from her.

I woke up a bit teary eyed Thursday morning because it seemed as if Saturday was approaching at lightning speed, and soon she’d be boarding the plane back to Michigan. After feeling sad for about five minutes, I forced myself to focus on the two full days that I had left to have her here in Texas, instead of focusing on her departure. So we picked up where we left off– we shopped, we talked, we watched TV, sat around and talked, straightened up our living quarters, sat out by the fire pit, talked some more….it was just like old times. Though we didn’t do anything of real “out of town” significance or different from what we normally do, it just felt so good to be in each others presence. I couldn’t have asked for anything more from that visit, other than to have it not end so quickly!

I’m grateful that my mom was able to come to town and  brighten all of our moods. If her mood was anywhere near as dull as ours I sure hope that we were able to return the favor of brightening hers just as much! We’re already looking so forward to our next visit!

Believe this? I didn’t take one picture while my mother was in town! What was I thinking? (shrugs shoulders)

 

Are You Living?

I’m no expert, but there are just certain things that I know, and there are just certain things that make sense. With that being said, “You are who you want to be!” If you’re in a bad place, then that’s where you’re choosing to be! If you’re happy, then you choose to be there! If you’re a victim, then that’s who you want to be! People who are fuel, they fuel their happiness with things and/or beings that make them happy! This applies to what and whom ever! I always say, give Life to the things that you want, while smothering the things that you don’t! Focus your thoughts on what you want, give no life, no thought to want you don’t want!
What brought about this post? Well, I was just showing some love to the blogs that I’m subscribed to, and one in particular focuses an exuberant amount of time on grieving, being sad, death, sickness and all that jazz, and after reading all the different titles made by this blogger it just did something to my spirit! My spirit required that I rebuke all of those lifeless and unhappy things. Then it came to me, that this is how way too many think and “live” their lives! I want to be informative because I’m sure someone can you this bit of advice!
P.S. Don’t get me wrong. Death is real, it’s permanent, it’s sad and I’m not saying to grieve when death presents itself in your life. I’m just advising that you don’t let it consume you. Don’t allow it to strip you of your life, here on earth. Do your loved ones that aren’t here a favor, LIVE! Live for yourself and live for them (if that’s even possible). Don’t make your life all about their death! Remember them and their good! That’s what you want to give life to….not their death!
PEACE and many, many Blessings!

Good thing about the Living is that you have another opportunity!

Change. Do I have the Right?

Yesterday evening I discovered my second strand of white hair. I was so shocked to see it, that I accidentally dislodged it from my head. After looking at it for a few seconds I chucked it away. Long after analyzing the single strand of white hair I found myself feeling some kind of way. That single strand of short white hair forced me to realize that I’m changing. Each and every day, I’m changing. With every passing moment and second, I am changing. Not just aging, but I’m changing. I’m changing from this person that I’ve known for so long to someone brand new. What I’m wondering is, do I have the right? Do I have the right to change and evolve into someone new, someone with different expectations, perspectives and perceptions? Is it fair to undergo this extreme metamorphosis, then expect those who’ve been a long-term part of my life, to get in line with the new me?

As I’m getting older, I’m starting to change into this woman, whom I’ve never wanted any part of before. I’m starting to be less hard and rough around the edges, and more soft, sweet and motherly. I’m less impatient and temperamental.  I’m beginning to desire affection and love, when before I would push that form of closeness away. Having a relationship with my soul mate, and having him here with me at the end of the day seems to have become one of my top priorities. The question that I keep coming back to is, do I have the right to ask and/or require something different from him, after having our relationship work so well after all of these years? Is it selfish of me to change things up right smack dab in the middle of our adventure together, especially when this is and has been working so well for us? Well, just as I keep being bombarded by the same questions I also keep arriving at the same conclusion, change is inevitable. In lots of cases, there’s no control over change, for instance my white strands of hair, or my children growing into their own independence.  We don’t get a whole lot of say-so when it comes to change, yet it’s bound to happen, and we have no choice other than to accept it.

Though it’s different from my usual norm, I’m starting to embrace the changes that are going on with my body, in my mind, and with my heart…..I might as well, seeing that they’re going to happen with or without my blessing. I’m learning to savour the taste of unforeseen circumstances, in fact I’m developing an acquired palette for them.

I want what I want, and I still am who I am…while constantly evolving!

…..and YES! I have every right!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkJ15mN6nUc

One year Blogging Anniversary!

WOW! It’s all I can say when I think about this blogging milestone. This last year has been another adventure, amongst many. So much has changed just in a year’s time…..Baby is no longer in my belly (in fact, she’s going on 10 months). The father of my youngest son, well he and I are way more than cordial, with one another. I’ll go as far as saying, we’re back to being friends (and not hanky panky friends!). We’ve been talking on the phone, joking around and he’s not resisting our move to Texas (which I’m most appreciative of). As for those older two children of mines, well they’re growing up and becoming more complicated by the day. But this is who they are and they’re just doing their jobs. In the words of my paw, “They keep you young!” Gotta LOVE them for that!

So it’s my one year anniversary blog and it’s  also my very first WordPress blog. I just recently switched to WordPress because I had a chick (she has children with my oldest daughter’s sperm donor) stalking my blog on the other site, and because I am such an open book (and the law has gotten involved) I figured it’d be best to switch blog sites. I have so much in the works and I don’t want those two lunatics reading about any of it on my blog, seeing that I tell and talk about EVERYTHING on here! So my thing is this, there’s nothing better than authentic and truthfulness. You are who you are, and you should make no apologies for it. There are Blessings and Wisdom in every situation, it’s up to you to find them (my 1st LOVE, Freedom, just relayed that to me….now it’s my tagline). We’ve all done things that we’re not necessarily proud of, but sharing that just may save someone else from going through it. You never know!  Truth is truth, no matter what! Sometimes it’s embarassing, it hurts, it cuts real deep and most times it’s seen as very ugly….but still, it’s TRUTH! In the end, it’s real and it’s more than beautiful.

There’s nothing off-limits with me (I do reserve some things from my children….a few of them are still so pure) I’m an open book. I’m this way with my life and the lessons that I’ve learned because I’m a lover of people…..and I’d love nothing more than to see everyone escape from some of the insanity, while on their way to happiness!

So as I celebrate the close of my 1st year in the blogging world, I ask that you raise whatever it is that you’re drinking, up high and continue alongside me as I delve further into the adventure of life….most importantly, parenting….single-handedly! (SALUTE!)